How Did I Even Get Here?!?!
I have a hard time wrapping my mind around the question "Who are you?". Because I know who I used to be and who I want to become but claiming a title or adjective that describes who I am completely, seems impossible. I do not fit in to any one mold that the world tries to force people into. This morning as I was hanging clothes out to dry (Yup, seriously. The dryer went out and I need to do laundry so...) I literally stopped as this thought hit me, "How did I even get here and who even am I?" My clothes hung on the line waving gently in the wind, either in protest or delight I can't be sure, the rooster crowing in the background and my garden silently waking up as the sun was topping the trees and that thought literally stopped me where I stood. This is not the life I thought I would have. It feels way more Little House on the Prairie and not enough big city glam for me. I guess I honestly couldn't tell you what I thought it would look like, I just know this isn't it.
Have you ever stopped, and looked around at your life and thought, "How did I even get here?" I don't feel like a homesteader, I don't feel like a writer, I don't feel like a hostess, I don't feel like a good wife or mom most days, but that doesn't make them less true. I am a "pretend homesteader" because I garden, raise chickens, and preserve food but I am learning as I go, I feel like a fraud but maybe I am at the very least on the journey to becoming one. I am a writer because I keep practicing my writing every week. I practice hospitality often, so I am a hostess. I try really hard to be a godly example as a wife and mother every day, am I perfect? Nope. But I keep trying. Life is funny that way, we are never finished learning so it feels like our work is never actually complete (hey mommas I see you and I know you feel this!) because it isn't. As redeemed sinners on this road to sanctification, we will never be done until we get to heaven. In 2 Thessalonians Paul is writing to the church in Thessalonica, in chapter 3 he warns the church against idleness and he writes, "As for you brothers, do not grow weary in doing good." (2 Thessalonians 3:13) I had to post this verse on my refrigerator this week, because I feel weary from all the work I have on my to do list everyday.
Between the kids being home for summer (which I actually LOVE!) the garden, building our new house, and just trying to chase after Jesus everyday, I feel weary. Weary - feeling or showing tiredness, especially as a result of excessive exertion or lack of sleep. (Google definition) Y'all I don't know how to not grow weary in a practical step by step way. I just know that I am encouraged that even Paul knew the feeling, otherwise he wouldn't have been able to articulate it so well for the Thessalonians and for us. When I read the words, I am reminded that we all feel weary at times but we shouldn't let it keep us down.
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I am new to this writing thing, I have always loved writing, but I have only recently tried my hand at it consistently. Why? Well, I am learning that other people's struggles give me an odd sense of comfort, in the fact that it proves that I am not alone, that there isn't anything wrong with me. If this or that person who I used to think had it all together actually has struggles just like me, then maybe there is a reason. Maybe we all just need to share our stories with each other, who knows what God could do with that. I want to make an impact. Don't we all in some sense long to matter? To know that we don't struggle in vain, maybe by sharing our stories we can change the world just a little bit, and wouldn't that be an amazing thing?
I would love to tell you that I like not fitting in. But that would be a big fat lie. I try to convince myself that I like standing out and being different than everyone, but I don't. Sometimes I really think it would feel so much nicer to look like others around me, it must feel amazing to fit in. But God has called us to be set apart. Ugh. Most times this feels like left out. Set apart, sanctified. It doesn't always feel good. It sometimes feels like not getting the invite to brunch, it feels like getting picked last for kickball at recess, it feels cast aside and forgotten. But truth shouts loudly at my "oh woe is me" feelings that God has called me by name. Truth says. "But know that the Lord has set apart the godly for himself; the Lord hears when I call to him." (Psalm 4:3)
The truth doesn't always feel like a warm blanket, sometimes the truth is cold and hard and unfeeling. How we feel about the truth doesn't give us permission to disregard it. Sometimes we have to repeat the truth to our wandering hearts over and over, because sometimes truth is a hard thing to wrap our brains and our hearts around.
Who I am today is different from who I was yesterday, I have lived a little more and learned a little more since then. On this road of sanctification and becoming more like Jesus I hate that we fail to talk about this truth. The truth that we are always changing and growing and being made new. We will constantly be changing and being molded into the person God is calling us to be. We have to be aware of this, we have to accept that we will stumble, fall and downright fail at times. One of my favorite things my dad ever said to me was this, "Well Jenn, sometimes we try our best and we just fail." It wasn't the warm blanket that I wanted in the moment that it was spoken to me, but it was a truth that I cling to often. We are but a vapor, here today and gone tomorrow. We change, God doesn’t. "I am who I am" he says (exodus 3:14). He does not change. There is so much about this Christian life that I have to leave up to faith. I cannot wrap my brain around this one either. We so easily try to make God like us, which seems so arrogant and stupid. Who are we that God should even be mindful of us (Psalm 8:4)?
So today as I pondered the looming question of "how did I get here?" I was reminded of God's faithfulness to me. In all of my failures (when I tried my best and failed and when I didn't try at all) God was forever faithful, he was unchanged. It was me that was busy changing all the while, and it's supposed to be that way.
Much Love,
Jenn
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